100% there

a lot has gone on since last i posted.

1. Finished fourth year - after that family med month, there was inpatient psych (which i really should have blogged about), anatomy, research, university health (a wonderful rotation - no, really!!), pharmacology, trauma surgery, and family medicine offsite. then, that which i thought had become impossible happened...

2. i graduated. yep. i'm 100% there. that's me STM, MD. you know, if we put my other letters i'm, STM MD MA - which I think makes me a hallucinogen.

3. so those interviews...i ended up doing seven - Cincinnati, St. Joe's/MCW, Smiley's/Univ. of Minn., St. Joe's/Univ of Minn, North Memorial/Univ. of Minn, Tufts, Palmetto Health. i cancelled two - one in milwaukee and one at UofL. don't think i could be a cardinal anyway. was hard enough to be a tarheel.

aaaanyway, ranked five. matched at #1!! starting residency at St. Joe's/MCW in just a few weeks. yippee!!

4. moved to milwaukee. obviously necessary considering the job thing. that's more or less where i am right now. surrounded by the smell of cardboard. slowly the boxes are getting unpacked and our fabulous duplex is looking like home. i have never lived somewhere that i could just throw the windows open and cool my home. it's lovely. yesterday, we drove downtown and j hadn't seen the lake yet (um, that would be lake michigan). when i said, hey there's the lake (like you could miss it), he said no it's not, we are going the wrong way. um, seriously dude? i know i have no sense i direction, but there is only one gigantor body of water around here.

so far i love it here. i suppose we shall see what happened with odd hours and little sleep. j is still looking for a job or basking in the glow of being the doctor's husband. he is officially the househusband until he finds a job, once i go to work. he desperately needs to learn to cook.

i won't lie. this isn't the easiest thing i have ever done. i'm scared and underconfident. i'm worried that my patients won't get good care if i am the one providing it. i keep reminding myself that residency is an apprenticeship - right now i know a very little about a lot of things but my knowledge base will change. i start on ER, the OB, then NICU....NICU?!?!? i have assurances from a good friend that i can make it.

Travel and training

A few days from finishing the first rotation of my fourth year, I feel I should pause and consider. I am finishing a month of family medicine clinic - which was really a lot of reading time and a little clinic - a schedule for which I am amazingly thankful. Because they allowed me some free days I have been able to study for boards, sleep, and go back to having a normal life.

I have also had the privilege of remembering why I really do love family medicine - the variety of ages, genders, family structures, pathologies. I can't get bored, which is good since I tend toward it anyway.

I continue to plan residency interviews - truly surprised at how many I have been offered. I admit to overwhelming underconfidence where this is concerned, but I didn't expect to hear so quickly. The first programs didn't wait for grades or all my letters of rec. I have scheduled at University of Minnesota (x3), Medical College of Wisconsin, University of Cincinnati, University of Pittsburgh, Tufts, Palmetto Health in SC and am waiting for dates at University of Louisville and Aurora Healthcare in Milwaukee.

Step 2 CK on Thursday and then I am free of exams until February (I think). One weeks until psychiatry AI. Looking forward to it.

And so it begins

I am now officially one week into fourth year which means, for anyone keeping track, that I am 75% doctor. What else does this mean? - Well, that I have eight rotations to finish in seven months, two boards exams to take in the next three weeks, residency to apply for, interview for, and try not to freak out about among other things in my non-medical school life.

First, third year. It's over. 'Nuff said. I am not going back to that, ever. I truly hated five months of it, the rest was actually fine. If I had to specialize in what I did those five months, I'd quit. Without regard for debt or self-worth. I would quit medicine. Without regret.

Luckily, I don't have to do either of them. Which brings us to residency applications. ERAS - the bane of fourth year existence. That which keeps fourth year from being quite the mythical promised land that classes before us have waved as taunts. I dutifully took time away from surgery studying to work through the application, find letter writers, write personal statements. Last weekend, I completed the mad dash through finishing it, so I could get the application posted. On Monday I submitted the application and on Wednesday morning I posted my personal statement (thanks to family and friends who obediently read not one, but two, drafts). Then I sat back to enjoy my family medicine clinic rotation and await November when my Dean's letter is submitted and the interview offers trickle in.

How laughably delusional and naive I apparently am. After submitting my personal statement at 10 am on Wednesday, I received an email about noon from one of my programs. I thought, how mice off them to let me know they got my stuff. WRONG! I mean, they did let me know, but then, THEY OFFERED ME AN INTERVIEW. Got that? Within three hours of finishing my application I had an offer. From a program I like. That has, by the way, been followed by five more since. I am stunned and completely excited. I have heard from three of my favorite programs. I can't believe it. Within four days of putting my application up. Wow.

The list so far (all categorical FM right now - I won't hear from the combined for a bit):

University of Cincinnati/Christ Hospital
Tufts University
Medical College of Wisconsin - St. Joseph's Hospital
University of Pittsburgh - St. Margaret's Hospital
Aurora Health - Milwaukee (I'm turning this one down - it's a funny subject for a later post)
University of Minnesota - I don't know which program yet

Neurosurgery

So, I just finished two weeks on neurosurgery. It was fun. Not nearly as much fun as general surgery, but I found something to like in it.I could have used a bit more guidance from the people in charge as to what to do and where to be, ah well.

Yesterday, during my last surgery on this rotation, the chief resident and the surgeon decided to actually be chatty. The surgeon wanted to make sure I understood that family medicine and psychiatry are both pointless because you have to talk to people and that patients are always failures at taking care of themselves so you needlessly ask the same questions over and over (are you taking your meds? etc.). Also, that there are two kinds of people in the world - those who want to be neurosurgeons and those who haven't realized it yet.

I told him, quite frankly, that I do not want to be a neurosurgeon and that he most certainly does not want me to be a neurosurgeon. Caught him completely off guard and he started laughing in the middle of surgery. So did the chief. Which led to a continued conversation in which we learned that the chief and I went to school together and know many of the same people. It got really pretty hilariously out of hand after that with the surgeon laughing at us both and the chief and I shooting the shit about everyone we knew in common from high school and where they are now.

I, also, got an evaluation this week that, among other things described me as "refreshingly candid and appropriately assertive." I have never heard such a good description of me.

Off to two weeks of ENT. Then finished with surgery and finally off to fourth year!!!

Worst fear....almost

The first choice that any medical student makes is usually medicine or surgery. And we joke that particular temperaments go with that choice. I knew when I started school that I would be medicine; I just don't see myself as a surgeon. I really do see myself as the doc who treats your chronic high blood pressure and heart disease and knows when your granddaughter graduates from kindergarten or the doc who delivers your baby, then takes care of mom, baby and dad besides. I never saw myself as wielding weaponry for the hack and slash of guts.

Here's the revelation. I love surgery. Who's surprised? Well, I was afraid of that - that I would find that I really like the OR, the cutting, the guts. I love the immediacy of patient relief after having a gallbladder out or the feeling of accomplishment when a patient's biopsy comes back showing you got their whole tumor out. It's a rush.

Now no worries. I am not changing my mind. I stand by family medicine/psychiatry. But if I were 25 or if I were single, I might change my mind right now. However, I took the time a couple years ago to really consider the type of life I want to lead and surgery isn't it. I can't stand the idea of five years or more of this schedule.

Besides, family practitioners get to cut! and deliver babies! and have long term relationships with their patients!

Whew - saved by the skin of my teeth!

Decision making capacity

Don't worryl I have not lost capacity. Nor have I lost sanity. Yet. But the big decision is looming. What to do with my life. Really the decision is made. Combined family medicine-psychiatry. I want to do both, hands down. I can't make up my mind.

Making that decision apparently causes everyone else in the whole friggin world to question my capacity. Not just "why do you want to do that?", NOOOOOOoooooo.

More like -

Why do you want to do family medicine?
Why do you want to do psychiatry?
Why do you want to do both?
Why not do internal medicine, med/peds, triple board....insert specialty here?
You don't need to study psychiatry - have my patients are head cases.

So here's the answers...

Why do you want to family medicine?

Because this, above all else, feels like the model of medicine that not only treats the whole person, but also considers the greater community outside. This is preventative medicine, acute care, peds, OBGYN, geriatrics, epidemiology, ongoing patient relationships. Because I adore children and old men and reproductive age women and teenagers and where else would I get to see all of those populations but in family medicine. Where else can I cut, counsel, prescribe, advise, recommend, befriend.

Why do you want to do psychiatry?

Admittedly, most doctors deal in some capacity with psychiatric issues. Some even spend time with med management. A lot fo pediatricians find themselves in the position of needing to be the main go to person for their patients psych issues. And I could do a lot of work with psychiatry as a family practitioner. But my desire to do psych is two fold. First, I love therapy and I think that people are reticent to try it when there is the possibility of a quick pharmaceutical fix. Who can blame them? Getting patients to do the work, find the introspection, change their lives to cope would be wonderfully fulfilling. Allowing patients the option to medicate appeals to me. Second, being able to treat my patients bodies and minds is highly appealing. A truly holistic approach to medicine.

Why do you want to do both?
Simply? I can't decide between them and I have the amazing opportunity to do both. More than that? Ultimately in addition to practice, I want to teach. I can think of nothing that would make me a better teacher than the combination of these two disciplines of medicine coupled with my experience as a teacher.

Why not do (insert specialty here)?

This is always a fair question. Only it never happens as an innocent query. Instead it is about pummeling me into choosing something else. Suck it up....

Internal Medicine - no kids
Med-Peds - no gyn
Triple Board - no adults, except in the psych part and three specialties in five years, scary
OBGYN - too much surgery for me
Neuro - um...you need to ask? we haven't spoken in more than a year
Surgery - it's awesome and I would if I were younger

I won't lie. Making this decision was difficult. Every time I eliminated something, I made pros and cons. Then I mourned it's loss (except neuro). Then I moved on.

Now there's applications, personal statements, letters of rec, work, school, interviews to be done. And life to be lived. Let's go!!

Internal Medicine

So one of my non-medical friends pointed out that all medicine is essentially internal medicine and wanted to know how Internal Medicine can be its own specialty. I know it is word parsing, but it is a good point. After four weeks of IM wards and a couple weeks of miscellaneous nonsense I have to wonder the same thing. Why do people choose Internal Medicine?

Perhaps for some it epitomizes the essence of doctoring. General care, chronic and scute illness. Perhaps for others it is the gateway to sub-specialization and more money. To me it is about disease focus instead of people focus. I don't get it.

For this reason, I am not loving that I have another eight weeks of it. I have only really disliked one rotation - and if I had to do that one for a living I would leave medicine. IM is coming close.

Maybe it's just senioritis.

Alive...

I am alive. I am busy! And I am not living at home. All of these combine to keep me from writing regularly. I have a lot to say. Hopefully, I will find some time this week to get in on paper (figuratively).

Kids DO Say the Darndest Things

I would rather poke red, hot needles in my eyes than pay attention to anything but the commercials during the Super Bowl. So here I am.

Tomorrow I start my family medicine month. Apparently, I volunteered to serve my month at a local practice, so I am going to be out on the other side of town. This means I will not be back at UK until April. Three months of being away from my school!! Yippee!

I learned a few things about myself during my peds months. First, kids rule. I haven't spent much time with small children since I ended my neighborhood babysitting monopoly in college. Kids are great! They are generally healthy, so it isn't super depressing (even on inpatient). But mostly they say hilarious stuff. For instance -

9 yo Pt: I heard that there are hospitals where, if you have a third ball, they can take it off.
Dr. Q: Do you mean testicle?
Pt: You know, balls, like down there.
Dr. Q: I have never seen a patient who has that.
Pt: My uncle does.

At this point, rather than bust a gut laughing I look at pt's mom who confesses that it is HER uncle who has the rather prolific reproductive anatomy. The doctor assured the pt that problems like that can be corrected. Then I left the room to laugh. I couldn't help it. The kid knew what he was doing. His mom didn't say anything about it. Hahahahahahahaha.

I have also learned that the biological clock is a real thing. Ugh. I know too many pregnant people and have seen far too many cute babies in the last two months. Save me.

Mostly, I have learned that I will not be practicing medicine that doesn't include children.

Couchbound

Calling in to work for me is like raising the white flag. Admitting defeat and the inability to simultaneously handle the eight million things I attempt to do (badly) on a daily basis. However, I realized I had become sicker than my patients and retreated. I found myself hoping that I had strep throat so that a quick, antibiotic solution could be found and I could be back to it ASAP.

No such luck. As I secretly suspected, I have a viral URI. The second one in three weeks. This is the only downside to working peds. Otherwise, I adore peds. In the end, I had to call in. I can't learn or treat patients when all I can physically do is cough.

This means that I had to slow way down. This drives me bananas. For all but five hours of the last two days, I have been in my house, alternately blowing my nose and coughing. Tonight, I am finally going more than 10 minutes between coughs. Quite the triumph. I am so ready to go back to work.

On the upside, my looking forward to work remids me that the time in coming to decide what I am going to do with my life. Ugh - another day.

Dreaming away

I do nothing the easy way. I probably cause that for myself. But nothing ever goes according to plan for me.

Before high school I wanted to be a singer. I did have the mostly mistaken opinion that I could make a decent living singing sacred music. HA!! But I wanted to. When I discovered musicals I wanted to sing on stage. Wearing too much make-up, singing beautiful, sometimes goofy songs. I have evidence that I even got to do some of this (oh yeah - VHS evidence of me singing in musicals - one of the Backstreet Boys is in the same video - much good it did me!).

When I was about 12 I decided that my life's goal was really to be a doctor. I came to this profound (albeit badly researched) decision based on a PBS show called "So, You Want to Be a Doctor?". or something like that. I loved the relationship that the students had with their cadavers.

Then I went to college and realized that going to class seemed to be optional and attempted to screw up my ability to go to med school. After a rocky semester at home, I returned to school in search of a new major. I ended up in English and then, at the sage advice of a friend, in Linguistics. I loved it! I changed my goal and went to grad school. Three months in I changed back - finished the MA and returned home to go to med school.

I have since then taught college, gone to half of medical school, sung in a couple of local groups, reacquainted myself with linguistics, made new friends in all my activities.

So what is the problem? I still want to sing. and I still want to do linguistics. and I still want to teach. and I still want to be a doctor. and I still want to do a lot of other things. and I can't give anything up. I am afraid to lose one dream in favor of another.

Second day

I now sit in my deserted office because it is after 2:30 and the academic day goes from about 10-2. Except for me.

I am waiting to teach at 3:30 and then again at 5. Let me be clear. I am thrilled, THRILLED, with my teaching schedule. 4 classes (so full-time woot woot) and they are all the same (so one prep woot woot). Unfortunately everyone I know is done by 12, so they run like bats out of hell.

I would normally plan, but I taught this class twice yesterday and it went well. WHy mess with it?

I have read a one million page article called "Global Transformations and Intimate Relations in the 21st Century: Social Science Research on Sexuality and the Emergence of Sexual Health and Sexual Rights Frameworks". A decent, if slightly long explanation of the current state of research on sexuality and the negative and positive use of rights in efforts toward freedom in sexuality. Why am I reading this?? Well, first because I am sitting in on a "Language and Sexuality" class and second because it is cool. It also reminds me of graduate school. Later tonight I must also conquer "Sociolinguistic Horizons: Language and Sexuality".

Ok, now I will go study anatomy some more.